A Life Full of Scrap

Will my long distance relationship survive? This question keeps popping out my mind every now and then... yet the answer remains mystery. There's too many what if... What if the good feelings between us is gone? What if he had found someone in Spore? What if this...what if that... I don't know if we're able to keep the burning flame going on like any other couples normally do but I am trying to appreciate every single moment we had together. Whether we're on skype, msn, on the phone and meet in person... every single moment with him is so precious to me.

There's so many things we couldn't do like any other couples... the most common ordinary things like catching a movie in a couple seats, having sweet romantic dinner together, go shopping and holding each other's hand or spending time together on every important dates. All these were so common to me back in those days (which back then at times I find it boring) but now it seems to be something that I yearn to have.

There are times when I'm lonely, times when I'm down, times when I needed someone to help me during the emergency... I know he won't be there... but deep down I wish he would be there for me. How I wish he could swept my tears away, keep my sorrows away and make my day with his big big hug and his smile on his face. I'm feeling emptiness every now and then. However, I try to look on the bright side... at least I had someone to miss and someone that misses me. It is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I really hope that it is true and it is not just merely some saying...

I am a person who doesn't solely trust any other individuals easily and that's one tough task for me as his gf. I am so afraid of getting hurt again... after what I had gone through I swore I would never put myself through hell again. However, I know that there's no room for suspicion in a long distance relationship and I must learn to trust him whole heartedly. I am still struggling to give him my all as in trust in this context. I am still worry that he might be just playing around like any other guys. I have doubts but I am trying to get rid of those doubts and fully commit to this relationship. I wonder he had the same thoughts as me...

Lately, I could feel that something isn't right... it's like he is hiding his feelings from me... or something is just wrong but he is not telling me. I don't know if I should talk or confront him on this... because he seems to be avoiding talking about his feelings. I thought to myself... if he wanted to let me know he will let me know... if not I shouldn't care so much. Me being me... I can't help not to care about it... I can't seems to just let it by.

For the past days spending with him, I thought I could bring up this and talk to him in person. Yet I don't have the courage to speak up my mind and another thing is I feel language is sort of becoming a barrier in this case. I'm not the type that just bla bla bla right through someone's face unless I really know them like many many many years... I won't be able to express myself that easily what more asking me to express it in Mandarin... It's worst than killing me. Well, express and converse is two diferent things. I hope he would tells me how he feels. Isn't that what couples do? They share their thoughts and problems together? Lately, he has been very tired... erm... kind of worried about him. He seems to be lack of sleep. I can't be there for him all the time too erm... just hope he take good care of himself.

Erm... guess that's a little update about my personal life... chaoz for now.