A Life Full of Scrap

What's LOVE? The question has been repeatedly wondering around in my head... I stopped and looked around... looking back in all the ups and downs I've been through till where I am... am I heading the right way to finding the Mr. Right or my prince charming? Does that guy actually exist?

Recently, I've been asking myself, am I seriously in love with this guy I'm with or am I just in love with the idea of being in love? Some of you might thought "Aiya so desperate! What a slut eh? Just broke up only now got another bf" Erm... Goay Chee said lately my life is rather "jing cai" (translation for bananas- it means my life full of excitement and it's pretty interesting) Erm... really? However, it seems to me that my life only revolve around guys and my work... How boring is that?

Erm... just because there's a few guys so suddenly appeared in my life... my life become interesting? I asked a question to my bf and it just got me; myself thinking... What the heck is wrong with me? What's my status?Am I actually being in love or what? I really don't know what's right and what's wrong... but I guess deep down I was looking for a guy who can commit himself to me and into the relationship. The funny thing is my life is not what I feel it is. It's like I know I only want a stable and long term relationship but at the same time, what I am doing is a total opposite of what I am feeling. Which I think it's kinda pathetic...

Honestly, I don't even know if I am in a relationship now... not like I don't like the distance relationship or my current bf etc etc etc... I feel it's not only the distance that is the problem... but rather something else. Oh it's not really him but it's more like me that is the problem. He has been sweet but I feel there's gap between which I feel it's hard to fill in.

Somehow... I feel offended suddenly right after a question I asked... somehow... It feels like I'm lying to myself... somehow... I feel I'm living in fantasy... somehow... all this seems like it's not real! Maybe I am in love with the idea of being in love? I think I am... It's like I hate the part of me that is being loyal to those I love... and I am trying very hard to get rid of that character and be someone I am not. I feel I've lost control over myself... Personality issues I guess I do have spilt personalities. I don't even understand what I want anymore.

At one point of time, I am happy just being in love. Then at another point of time, I think those guys that approached me are just merely for sex and nothing else? It has actually got me thinking... I have nothing else to offer except for that? Am I some kind of sex machine or what? I am damn farked up tired with this pathetic life I have.

I need some breathing space to digest what's going on in my love life. When Alex left, it seems like my world came crashing down... then suddenly there's so many guys that came to my life... most of them are never serious with me... perhaps I should say none of them. Too many to even list down. =.=||| yeah sex is all what you perv wants... What's so great about sex? bla bla bla... I can list a whole lot but I feel to me sex is great when I am doing it with someone I truely love and someone who truely loves me. Thus, the term making love is formed NOT MAKING LUST YOU PERV!!! And yes ONS is not FUN... NEVER FUN! It's STUPID & PATHETIC! (How I know obviously DUH!) Not to mention CYBER OR PHONE SEX!!! It seems to me that the definition of L.O.V.E nowadays has change to Legs Open Very Easy or Lousy Overatted Vile Emotion??? Bah~! Love you can't live with or without hah?

-End of grumbling-