A Life Full of Scrap

Should I smile because he's my friend or cry because that's all he is?

That's the question I've been asking myself. I pick up the phone and send him tones of sms-es yesterday... telling him how I really feel. In short, I told him we should just forget about it.

At first, he said why so sudden? What happened to me? What is wrong with me? He knew something wasn't right but yet he didn't do anything about it. I told him I don't want to get hurt and he is showing sign asking me to stay away from him. I also said I wasn't born yesterday and my feelings has never lie to me so far. I am just doing what he wanted which is to stay away from him. I asked him to return the money through banking and I won't be contacting or meeting him anymore. He said must it be this way? He said "I know you're giving up on me...but must you end it like this? Is this what you really want? If it is I will respect it but I don't understand why you want it like this?" I said the fact that you wanted me to stay away from you and deleted fb & fs contact clearly shows your intention and it means you're not interested that you are just having fun and that night means nothing so why not just fark it? And he called me mean.... sorry but that is how I feel. No matter how much I'm into him... and that I don't want things to end just like that either... I still have to do this because I tell him I don't want to be a fool by the end of the day. Before it is too late, I would love to pull the hand brake before I crash even harder.

He is showing me mixed signal. Saying when did he ever wanted me to stay away? Things hasn't change... but I can feel we're getting apart... I know he is afraid too. His final message was pretty angry he said "What you want me to say? I like you but I already told you that I can't get into someone who is still thinking about her ex! I mind it a lot... Plus how long do we know each other? Why suddenly you want to jump into a quick conclusion? I ain't young anymore... few years more I'm gonna be 30...you think it's not crucial for me? I want a long steady not short and quick...I'm tired of looking for someone I want to be my half... that's why most of the time I refrain myself from meeting other people..."

My replied "Like I told you before, I no longer have feelings for my ex since you came about... Obviously, I won't forget him we spent 7yrs together if I could I would just erase him from my memory but I ain't a hardisk isn't it? What more he is my first! I'm so into you that you have no idea... I want a long term relationship too. I know we just know not long but does time really matters? Based on my past experience it doesn't no matter how long you take you can't predict future. How are you going to get the assurance you've been looking for? Love is something abstract and intangible how can you assured on things you can never know? It is the feelings that all it counts. How long are you going to take? You're not young and I'm not far behind either. I planned to get married by 26-27 and I am a girl, I've wasted 7yrs with that asshole do you think I want to go through it again? My time is way shorter than yours."

Yeah... I am mean I admit it. I told him I know this things can't be force so I said just forget it, I can't stand the way he treat me... I can't stand the feeling of unknown and the feeling of insecure... most of all I just don't want to be treated like a fool again. So I told him to forget everything forget that beautiful night we shared together. I know for a fact that I will miss him dearly... only he can made me smile again but somehow I just got to have the courage to face the truth... that he is just not that into me. ~>.<~