A Life Full of Scrap

I had such a great night yesterday... it feels like I'm living in my dreams.

Last night, smalls, him and I went to Zouk with Jeffrey and his friends. I didn't know I would actually let myself drunk. I wasn't drunk totally but I was definitely tipsy.

At first, we were at Phuture and then smalls, him and I go Barsonic. He grab my hand and pull me to Barsonic. Halfway through he just disappeared. I asked him today where were him... he said he went outside and went back to Phuture. Well, here's how the story goes... he said he doesn't like Phuture, so do smalls and I so we go Barsonic, during the time where he was MIA, smalls and I were approached by these 2 perverts from God knows where... Argh~ I was pissed off at him the time I found out from Jeffrey today that he actually went back to find them at Phuture. Worst of all Jefferey said he was actually sticking with this girl (whom I seriously can't remember her name honestly she was pretty but too bad was taken) Anyway, that's not the main point... main point is I didn't know that and he told Jeffrey Barsonic was too noisy so he came down. He knows I was pissed off back then...one its coz' the 2 perverts destroy our night in Barsonic and 2nd he could have told me what he told Jeffrey instead just left or MIA like that. In the end he just said it was his housemate disturbing him that's why he wanted to take the phone call outside. Truth was he is at Phuture. I'm like wtf when Jeffrey actually told me about it. It was very nice yesterday night until I found out this afternoon. I knew he will call when he finished work today so I'm just waiting to found out more so randomly I asked him but lucky I avoided any confrontation because he told the truth I guess he could sense I was testing him.

Last night, like I said I was tipsy since most of the drink was drank by me and Jeffrey because since he sat luin he drank more to forget the pain... So when finished he brought me home and smalls go home by herself. I guess I fell asleep in his car and little did I know we reach home (my home). For the first time, he actually me walked me up. I guess that's coz' I can barely walk in the straight line. He opened the door when I passed him the key. He could have just left from there but he didn't. He hug me suddenly.. or we just hug each other... and we exchange kisses... next thing we know we are in my room. Laying there next to each other. I remember what I said and I remember what he said. He said he likes me too and he said he knows I feel the same. However, we both are so afraid of getting hurt again. I don't know what are we now. He said we'll see and let's just go with the flow... I remember asking him "I thought you said you like someone else?" He just so random said "It could be a lie?" I was too tipsy to think straight yesterday I guess that's why I let him goes by with that answer...

Now I'm doubting him because we are too similar, its like we mirrored each other's image and personality. Knowing this I know there's a lot of things he wont say and there's a lot of things I won't tell him either. I don't know should I open up again after what I have gone through with my ex. I know he feels the pain inside him too since he witness his ex on the bed with someone else... I could imagine how sucky it is. The thing is we're like playing mind games and we keep each other guessing all the time. I can see he is enjoying it. Well I find it exciting but frustrating.

Spoken to him today, he said why tonight I'm at home doesn't seems like me to stay at home. Truth is I'm not in the mood to do anything after I found out what Jeffrey told me. I feel like I woke up from the nicest dreams but it is just a dream after all. He said why do I act so awkward today? It doesn't seems like us? I asked what's us? He said nothing and whateva. Hmmm... I just randomly said I forget what I told him yesterday and pretend like nothing happened though I said I remember what I do. I guess he knows I'm lying...

I just don't want to dig my own grave. I like him just as much but I am too afraid the pain which I went through will occur again. He is too good to resist. I couldn't resist myself for falling for him and I hate myself for that. He is cute obviously a lot of girls are after him. I just don't wish it is just a fling... I'm so confuse. Confuse by his words and action. He is so nice yesterday night but I still couldn't understand why he left smalls and I there alone... Honestly, I'm pissed off! But then again who am I to be pissed off at him? I'm just a nobody...

I just wish we never exchange kisses and....
ARGH~ just so pathetic... so complicated... so near yet so far...