A Life Full of Scrap

Scrolling on my friendster album saw his picture taken with me during my convo last year...my tears automatically start to pour.

Now he said he hated me and are happy that I have finally get out from his life. Makes me ponder am I such a bad gf to him? He hates me just as much as I hate him? I never see him acted in this way throughout the years we've been together. I can sense his deep anger towards me. He hated the fact I written down everything he had done to me in the blog.

Am I making the right choice to move out just like that? I am as equally hurt as him but I just couldn't imagine him to be this way. How much longer I have to take this misery? How much more I wonder? Will we get back together again? I remembered he said one day if I go back to him...he will be there still waiting for me. I don't think this is going to happen.

I'm so confuse...so pathetic...I remembered when a friend of mine broke up with his girl I said the same words to him like what people around me are telling me now. Now I finally understand it doesn't really matters what you say to people when they are deeply broken inside, because it's too late to cover up the deeply cut wound.

Often cry alone in the house...feel so sick and emo all day long. Put up a brave little smile to everyone else just to make sure people think I'm alright... Laugh and be cheerful putting the pain and misery aside. How funny I could even console a friend who is sad when I'm in worst shape than he will ever know. I am so tired... so damn tired...

If there is God in the world, please take away the pain...please make me forget about him...forget about everything we've gone through...I just want to be happy once again. I don't remember who I am anymore. Does crying for months and months help? How to move on and let go? I know I have to move on, I know the fact that there are many other guys out there somewhere, or even if there's none there's always something better to do, something which we could appreciate in the world, but just don't know how? Be like him heartless and just buried himself into work nothing else but work? Be like my friend buried himself with photography hobbies? I couldn't even work nor I have any hobbies left.

For the past few days, I've been feeling sick... I don't feel hungry at all and I just feel tired and hurt. My backbone is killing me, I think it's that infection thingy back again after the accident. It was okay few months back until that day I got into accident with a car while going to his office to look for him to show him that I did care for him. That accident didn't leave me new scar but instead it sort of injured my back again. Moving house also kills my back.

Now not only my back hurts, my emotion is unstable and I am confuse.