A Life Full of Scrap

Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it so hard for me to move on? Why am I upset when he is doing fine and are happy without me? Why am I such a pathetic idiot that still misses him?

Yesterday, I did something stupid. I had this urge... for reason I don't know to go see him. It's been 2 weeks, I still couldn't let go. Even though I haven't went back or even step near that place since the day I packed my stuff and left. My mind is still filled with his images and memories...

So I went back and i got stuck... it rained suddenly and flooded the whole damn road. I went through the flood but at the end my bike died. The engine sort of get in some water. So I got no rain coat under freaking rain pushing my bike. So I called him asking for his help...sadly he was back in Pg. He shouted at me asking me to leave him the fuck alone and get out of his life, at that very moment it feels like a thousand knife piercing through my heart. He doesn't care about what is happening to me anymore. So I was wet because of the rain and alone sitting by the road side feeling stupid and pathetic hoping to catch a cab back home but because I was all wet nobody wanna fetch me back. I waited until 8pm+ then I tried to start my bike... thank goodness it works.

So I rode home...and I feel sick today because I was under the rain. I misses him a lot. However, he only thought of me as a stalker which I am not. I know you guys must be thinking I am stupid and pathetic... moving on is hard. I tried to be strong to make sure everyone thinks I'm okay. Honestly, I'm so broken up inside I don't know what to do anymore. It's really very painful. Tearing in the office is also embarrassing but I just couldn't help it. I will then secretly wide away my tears before anyone finds out.

Okay I know I am a freak... who on earth would be acting that way ya... I GOD DAMN KNOW IT'S OVER! I JUST COULDN'T FUCKING LET GO! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO...NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED... I couldn't breath anymore I feel like shit! None of my smile is sincere these days... I am so fake... full of shit! I can't take it anymore...It's driving me crazy! I just want to smile again if I am given a wish.