Sunday, August 23, 2009
27th Aug is coming soon... the anniversary date which Alex and I used to spent together each and every year...
However, that's not the case for this year... it will be just another day...
I never thought I would still misses him... never thought that little bit of feelings left could still make me sad and have emotional breakdown...
Though he has become somebody I no longer know... though he is now belong to someone else... though everything has come to an end between us... that little bit of memories we shared each year on that very special date still haunts me...
It hurt so much... I guess he still means a lot to me somehow in someways or another the old Alex still resides within me... I don't regret that we are over but I regret that I just couldn't forgive nor forget... IF I did things would have been different... IF I wasn't being immature back in those days betrayals won't happened... IF I could turn back time... I would say I'm sorry... Sorry I wasn't good enough for you... but I guess people change the old Alex no longer exist... I will always keep a small part of him with me.
K was right after all... Not that my feelings for K was not real... I guess he was right we were both not ready to have another relationship. After a long silence, he called last Thursday... awkwardness is still there. I don't know how to make it up to him but all I can do is just let it be... I am tired too... tired of getting hurt. I thought I was getting better but little did I know I was hurting myself even more... more than ever... I regret doing 'things' that hurt myself. When my conscious mind start to think properly, I then started to hate myself for what I had done... Do I deserve this? I constantly asked myself. Why me? If there's God I really hope He could answer that for me. Some people say so I could be a better person? Have I not gone through enough? Why I have to constantly go through the test of pain and misery? I am so tired... I just want to be emotionless. I wonder if I'm gone from this world will anyone actually miss me? Will anyone start to care then? Will anyone actually stop and ask what had happened to me...
I wish I hope but I doubt... nobody will be there even if I'm gone. I am pathetic hah feeling sorry for myself all the time yeah I bet that's what you're thinking. Bah~! You don't have to say a word I know I am... I am blinded by the darkness in my life but I haven't given up hope... I am still fighting though I am tired but I am trying my best... trying to find the light to get out from this chaotic mess... Hopefully, there is someone out there that could guide me through this mess... Hopefully, there is a knight in shinning armor will come and save me from all my sorrows and pain. Secretly, I'm hoping K was the one ahhh... I think too much.
Done rambling with my pathetic thoughts...
