A Life Full of Scrap

I feel a sudden rush to be angry at times, I feel a sudden tear drop rollin' down my face, at times I feel emptiness and loneliness, at times I feel worthless and depressed. I just couldn't control my emotions. With the things I've gone through lately, it's far worst than any of you could imagine. There are lots of things I kept secret from my parents, from my siblings and relatives, from my best friends or anyone that I know. There are a lot of things I couldn't tell even if I want to. I've done all things which I used to hate and despise. I've realized I'm becoming a regular smoker. From one puff to several. From one ciggy to few. Soon from few it will become packs... Things is getting harder for me to handle. I've also realized my diet is getting abnormal. I ate a lot at times and at times I don't feel hungry at all. It's just not getting any easier. No one is cutting me any lack, everything seems to be giving me problems as if my already miserable life ain't bad enough.

I'm having trauma and nightmares on that incident (biggest and darkest secret of my life) I could never imagine of going through it a second time. From the last experience I told myself it was bad, it shouldn't happened again. Things were just out of my control, I just couldn't turn back time. I did it again. This time it is far worst than the first time because I saw at the whole process because I wasn't put to sleep. It's not fair! I know that life was never fair. I don't deserved to go through this alone. I don't deserved to be treated this way either.

Now I've got nothing left but to carry that curse throughout my life. Only one person knows about this and what I'm going through. However, that person did nothing to ease my pain. Didn't even bother to ask if I was okay. The intense pain I am holding on while trying to act like nothing happen while trying to put on a brave smile on my face means nothing to that person. I keep falling sick lately. It affects my job. I've lost the will to fight. I've lost my hopes and dreams. I have nothing left to look forward. The only thing I hope for is a speedy recovery and that curse will be remove and that I will have a normal life too.

I know this doesn't make any sense to any of you. I just need to vent my anger and sadness somewhere. I am not going to reveal what's going on to me or what had happened because I don't need people feeling sorry for me. The word "S" cross my mind every time. I think that's the only thing that I am fighting against. Lacking of faith in God isn't helping either. I've realized I've drove apart from God many many years ago. Ugly scenes blinded my eyes, so called preacher these days only preached about how Christianity is a free ticket to heaven. How one would be safe from hell and better off than unbelievers. I know the fact that this is not what Christianity is all about. This is not what Baptism is all about. I know Baptism is not like signing into a special clan, but it's a vow to die to our bad habits and live as righteous Christians. I know that but I just don't have that strength to do it. I realized I've becoming one that only condemned what Christians do rather than solely believe in what God has given to me. I've chosen a path where I believe destiny lies in my own hands. I've choose to believe that religion brings nothing but only war and misery to people. To believe that, running away from life and seek the help of God is a coward way of living. I am so confuse now that I don't even know who am I and what I want anymore. I don't even know what the hell I am talking about. I am too depressed to even think of my future. I had no idea where I am heading. I am so tired. I wish I could just close my eyes and rest in peace. I no longer wish for happiness but rather I wish to die peacefully in my sleep.

If only I don't have so much problems but just that break ups, I probably heal faster rather than to fall into the trap of depression. If only miracle happens... I just hate the word "IF"! Some of you might think, I am a pathetic loser selfish assholes, self-pity etc... Well, look at all my sentences and how I use the word "I"? YES I AM SELFISH AND SELF-CENTRED! I know that. I also know that I am pretty good at acting too. I can make people believe that I am happy and nothing is happening to me. I also know that make up is such a wonderful tool. It helps hide away the pathetic bitter face, swollen and puffy eyes I have. It helps brighten up my complexion too. Well, at least he thought so too.

"I know it's hard" ... "then?"... "Be strong"... "It's going to be fine"..."you'll be okay"...that's the few best words I heard lately...does it help? Try putting yourself in my shoe then I shall see how strong you are. I know I am weak. I've let my emotions rule over me. They become my manager well sort of. Mr. Anger can just show his stunt out of no reason, Ms. Cry baby can just drop her tears whenever she want and yeah she can cry you a river too if you want, Ms. Green eye monster just can't help but hate him and jealous of the new gal, Ms. Pretender I love her the most at least she helped me to act well so people think I am strong. Mr. Depression is the king of all changes his mood swing whenever he wants. Well, I got no say at all. They're me and they're the ruler now. I am just a slave that follows whenever whoever choose to appear. I am not sick well probably just unwell.

I think writing helps. If not for having a blog I probably go coo-koo weeks ago.