Friday, October 2, 2009
I've been wondering where I am heading lately... why things just doesn't seems to be sailing smoothly as I want them to be. I'm so lost... what happen to my navigator? Spoilt I guess... Where's my hope, my dreams and my passion to fight? I thought I'm suppose to get PHD by 30? I'm suppose to retire early? Blah~ I doubt I will ever achieve all those anymore. Why am I so emo deep down within me? Why do I carry such a burden on my shoulder? Why can't I just let go of things which are hurting me? Why me? So many "Y"s... I'm starting to give up my life for some strange reason...
Today I saw the documentary about the prophecies on how the world will come to an end at 21 Dec 2012. Which is like another 3 years from now... I thought to myself... oh isn't that his birth date? LoL the world is going to end on his birthday haha... *Wicked* Okay back to my point... I was like hmm... oh goody good good if the world's ending like in 3 years time so I don't see a point of me fighting so hard lolxxx... then reality hits hard... People has been predicting for centuries and the world still exist. Just pathetic la... my prediction it will not end just yet but I find the documentary darn interesting... It has really got me thinking a lot... I would think the reign of religions might come to an end and where science begin to replace the position of God... or you could say the era of Atheism? Hmm... maybe or maybe not? I mean look around you... youngster nowadays... how often do they pray? How often do they go to church or temple or mosque or whatever la... (not to mention those that practically had their whole life in the church... gf also from church 1 please ignore that bunch) What I am saying in general people just don't bother unless they face problems then they remember oh there's a God. Is there a God? This question has been lingering in my mind for sometime now... based on the recent Tsunami and earthquake I asked where's God when you need him? Some said He must be somewhere laughing at you bastards trying to run for your life while he enjoyed the show from above. Some said it's a test from God and that He works in his mysterious ways or He has plans for all of us... sounds familiar? Honestly, I've lost faith in God. In fact, I think it's just mother nature crying out to us and say "Hey look you parasites STOP whatever the nonsense that you are doing on my body... you are KILLING ME!" Think of the ice age... I think it's not God's work to kill off sinners but rather it's just a cycle that the mother earth will go through after years and years... and 21 Dec 2012 probably is a sign of earth is changing and we will just need to learn to adapt to its new nature.
Okay it's drifting far off from my topic. Anyway, back to me... the lost ship. Yeah... I felt so lost hmm... so alone... so empty... where's my spirit? I looked back and thought to myself... how can I change so much without I even realise it? I changed... I really changed hell a lot... from the innocent girl to who I am today. Yeah you bet I was bloody innocent back then OK! (I know none of you will believe me but those that know me long enough they could see how I'd transformed) I'm sure Kristy could see the difference in me. The 13years ago me and the me now hahaha or maybe even my housemate Christal could see the transition in me since I know her about 10years already. I think being with Alex has turned me into someone I'm not. I've been hiding behind his shadow for far too long. Slowly changes my character... slowly I do things I used to hate just to please him. I lost myself while being with him. I smoke nowadays... started to smoke one year ago... I remembered I said no matter what I do I won't smoke and never take drugs and I hate smokers a lot haha... I guess I should say I hate myself now. I still never touch any of those drugs... never once but things are just so hard to say... I am wondering what will I become. At times... you just won't know what will happened. I think I've took the wrong direction and I find myself heading towards darkness.
What more things has been pretty bad and rough with my personal life. I'm emotionally unstable... it's so torturing... why can't I sincerely smile from my heart anymore? One part of me secretly holds onto vengence waiting for the right time to strike... one part of me just wants to forgive and forget. I'm in the state of confusion. Why things just got to be so complicated? When we were younger I remembered I was a happy go lucky child without any worries... I remembered all my smile were sincere back then and I love to laugh a lot... I remembered how proud I was when someone commented I got deep dimples on my cheek that made me look cheeky all the time. Now? I can barely see those dimples anymore... they just MIA together with my smile. Ohhh my sarcasm skill has improved tremendously even my copywriter Sagar commented that I'm wicked (yeah he likes it!) and if it's coming from him means it's no good man... just evil...
I used to love my job now I've lost passion in doing it. Things becoming too routine... it's getting boring. What more I got pathetic clients ah... and yeah my pay sucks... what the fark I want I seriously have no idea. I realise this post is heading no where too... I don't know I just want to grumble... =P (DON'T READ IF U DON'T LIKE IT!) I just wanna bla bla bla~ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna scream my lungs out!!! I need the strength to keep me focus... I really need the faith... I need to learn how to trust again or maybe not. Maybe by keeping my trust aside I won't get hurt anymore... I think I'm not capable of loving people because I don't even love myself. Okay whatever I'm so lost I don't even know what I am crap-ingz here. =.=||| Chaoz I'm heading Barsonic Zouk to chill!
