A Life Full of Scrap

I feel like shit lately… Shouldn’t have been to JB d oth day… shouldn’t have meet him during cny… shouldn’t even have the feelings for him in the 1st place… wonder y i am attracted to him… bah i really dunno…”Greatest pain of love is loving sum1 you can nvr have” well i guess there’s some truth in it…

I guess timing just wasn’t right or i should say timing was nvr right for us. We were once best friends, well at least i thought we were (dunno bout him though). Now we cant even be friends bcoz we’ll hurt each oth if we continue… I’ll definitely step deeper & deeper and my feelings for him no longer stay just friends but something more…

Both of us are attached when we noe each oth… i still am, even after going through so much ups n downs wif my partner whom i caught cheating on me… well sadly we are still a pair… you must be thinking i am dumb… i bet i am. But love is blind aint it? I’ve owez wonder how izzit feel like to love two person at the same time…i guess i fully understand how it feels right now. IT SUX! Recently, he broke up (he as in my used to-be-best-fren)… n decided to talk to me after avoided me for so freaking GOD DAMN LONG (after our meet at JB)! Well difference between this guy n my guy is he got a sense of guiltiness in him all the time. Since the CNY event JB event it’s been dat way… I felt kinda used by him each time he do that to me… it’s like each time he needed somebody then he turn to his left or his right (At that particular point of time-THERE’S NOBODY N I WAS JUST THERE) oh well i guess he must think okay since she’s here let’s used her for some comfort…

Yea sad, stupid, dumb all kinds of emo emotions u can think of… THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL… But each time i talked to him i feel happy and he makes me feel wanted… feelings which has long lost between me n my guy. 6yrs…hell Six freaking years i’ve been with him… What would you feel if your guy cheated on you after so freaking long? What would you do? Break off? Won’t you take a step back when all those freaking old memories hit you when you were about to say Good bye? It’s always easier to say than done…

I am the type of person where i can nvr tell anybody my feelings… i don’t even tell any of my close frens what had happen back then… i was a vy lonely soul… a soul which couldn’t express myself to anybody… back then he was there so he become my shoulder for me to cry on (beside my pillow of coz) but apart from that everyday i gotta put up a brave little smile on my face and faced everyone around me and all the oth parts of the world…people started asking y? y r u looking so thin lately? All i can do it smile at them n say i’m freaking stress not dat it is not true well just struggling with a relationship / assignments / dealing with the bitch etc etc etc…

That’s also the main reason why today i’m writing this because i can no longer shed tears…nowadays i can’t even cry to express how hurt and sad i am… how devasted i am… again i kept everything to myself… To make things worst now i cant even talk to him anymore…

Few days b4 he tell me sum1 melted his heart by wishing him “wan an” he asked me isnt it “ke ai” all i do is say good lor… that’s how pathetic i am… i wonder have he eva thought of me? hav he thought of how i feel for him? (HE KNOWS IT) but y he keep pushing me away each time we get closer to each oth? y did he even say that he is attracted to me in the 1st place if he don’t feel the same? Hav he eva thought we were no longer the same like b4? Hav he eva thought he will hurt me when he told me that there’s another gal he likes?

Well i guess it’s all over… i hav a feeling that he will be wif his ex when the ex came back…or he will just look for another girl somewhere… Anyway i’ve decided to draw a line between us right after what he did to me. ( i asked if he is free bastard said not free when he is there and then off9 straight away…I’m like WTF!) Well i dun blame him…i am just a nobody i guess…(NOT NOBODY IS PERFECT SHIT BUT NOBODY TO HIM SHIT) I will miss him dearly (for now)… but he will nvr eva noe & i tell myself to forget him. Guess i will just left this feelings fade off day by day…

Back to my guy, we had such huge fites we din speak to each oth for days… we talk like strangers to each oth nowadays… it breaks my heart. Since the betrayal episode which hit us… i no longer have faith in us or trust him anymore… People say time will heal your wounds…but the question here is how long will it take or does it heal mine? It’s been a year since all those shits happened… to me it feels like yesterday… I wanna end it wif him so much but i dun hav the heart to do so… i am not willing to giv up on us… why? i think i mite hav gotten so used to be with him…

Bah! end of my whining, nagging, complaining etc.. WATEVA… Thus, this is the love story of my life and it justify my status that says “IT’S COMPLICATED” after all

PS: I’m HURT… Pardon my language, grammar watsoeva~