A Life Full of Scrap

Alright I'm gonna start ranting if you don't wanna hear just buzz off...

I'm getting tired of my life... or maybe myself. Things just doesn't work out the way I want them to be. My patience is being tested over again and again and again. Just when I think it's going to be fine it just spin the other way round.

I just wish I could cry out loud and ask God why do I deserved to be treated this way? I am so farking tired. Why couldn't anyone understand how I feel? Is my feelings not important at all? Bah! Seriously I'm giving up... not even my boyfriend understand me. Am I that complicated?

I'm not as aggressive as I used to be, I'm not as spoiled as I used to be, I've stopped being a control freak already (at least I thought so...) We had a huge fight one of the days, he said none of his ex throw such a bad tantrum as I did and that I was the worst of all. Trust me... my tantrum hasn't even reach 10% of my past temper. So does that mean I am the worst of them all? It is the biggest insulting words that has ever came out from his mouth. Yeah I hate it so much that it is still bothering me until today. I am wondering if I am the worst of all why do he still be with me then? Ahh... I've given everything to all the guys I've been with. Does my sacrifices meant nothing to them? I feel non of them actually deserve my love. At times, I feel so alone in this world. Not even my family members is there for me. I've grown so tired I often wish I die in my sleep... so I don't have to put up a fake smile on my face anymore just to please people around me.

I have tried... but I guess I failed miserably. I've tried to change so much... I've lost the happiness I once have. Smiling sincerely is so hard. Plus he is too dense to see that I'm sad. At times, I really wonder if he loves me. Times when we fought all he do was ignore and wait for me to talk to him. No... enough is enough! I don't take shit from guys anymore. Since breaking up with my first ex, I've made that promise to myself. I will never cry for another man. Not anymore! Argh... the frustration that build up in me... one fine day he will definitely get a taste of his own medicine.

Whatever... I am just going to be like everyone... don't give a shit! No appreciation nothing, I am just going to be a selfish asshole just like everyone else! At least, I make myself happy!